From the time I remember, the only two ways of response to a confrontation is to cry or to lose my temper. I had not thought about it up until today . I hadn't really thought why I respond in this way or why I am unable to respond in any other way. It has always been the same, I remember. If my brother broke my doll, it would be CRY first and then if he teases me about the crying, it would be ANGER next. And let me tell you, I am not a nice person to be around when I am angry or when I lose my temper. You can get really hurt in case you are the way of my angry self.
I have been thinking why do I react in this way to situations where I feel threatened. I asked around and found out that , no thats not the normal reaction. Yes, they are people who do get angry and who do cry. But not everyone in the world is like that. And also, to make my point more clear, all women are not like that. There a loads of women out there who dont cry or get angry in every situation that they feel confronted or threatened. They instead speak clearly and communicate verbally to the person in front of them and are in some cases able to even dissolve the confrontation or argument. But alas, I am not one of them.
For this, after quite some amount of thinking, I have decided that my parents are to blame. Its so much better to put the blame on someone else than to have it on your own head ;)
My amma has always been the "CRYER" in the family. She will cry if she has been confronted by anyone, inside or outside the family. Her world mostly used to revolve inside the family. She will cry when she is happy, she will cry when she is sad. Sometimes she cries and tells us that there is no reason, her eyes are just filling up. But I know for sure that she doesn't cry without a reason. There is something or someone who has triggered those glands to spill out those precious droplets of water. Something that has touched her heart in a good way or bad, but she rather not share it with anyone for fear of being ridiculed for thinking that way. That's my amma. My dear dear Amma!
And my acha (dad), he was surely influenced by Big B in his younger days, I guess. Since he took the "ANGRY" young man image too seriously. He was the same way with anger as my amma was with her crying. You never know when its going to strike you. Sometimes you think you are going to be a prey for his anger, but it doesnt really come out. And you feel like you have been suddenly relieved off the big boulder that had been put on your back. You actually find yourself flexing the muscles of your shoulder and sighing aloud. But beware, if he caught you in any of these actions, you have got a dose of anger down your throat. So my dad's reaction to confrontation from anywhere has always been anger (P.S. Not in his workplace , I hope).
And me, their offspring had to take on both their traits while dealing with confrontation. To cry and to be angry. And that to in alternating mode or sometimes two in one. The usual prey for this is my husband. I realise that it must be tiring for him to actually have a normal discussion with me without me breaking out into tears or tearing my hair off in anger (okkk..exaggeration there, but still). I hope to do something about it. And hopefully soon. I dont know how or what to do but I am positive since now I have found the problem and the probable cause. I might be able to find the cure too (solution, I mean I am not crazy ok!).
Also, it is more important now since Vi is 2 years old and he is growing up in this environment, where he learns by observation. I don't want him to have this same kind of reaction to situations that threaten him or make him feel cornered. I want him to be able to think clearly and communicate effective about what he feels and what he wants to be done to improve the situation. And I can only hope that people around him will also have a trained mindset to not just CRY or be ANGRY (like his amma :P).
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