Little acts of kindness

Vihaan is one of the most generous people I know. The other day we were eating fruit from a plate. It was the last piece and Vi picks it up and tells pappa, "Papa kazcho (Papa eat)". Papa says he has already had. So Vi turns to me and says, "Amma kazcho (Amma eat)". After both of us have told him that we have had our fill, he finally pops the last one into his mouth. All of us have a good laugh and feel good.

Sexual Abuse - A rich man's stand

The recent incident of the rape of a 6 year old allegedly inside the school premises and by school staff has brought about all kinds of outrage in the society.  And as the norm, in social networking sites too. One comment in twitter struck me as a tad insensitive.

The person wrote, " I love how all of you are crying about the rape of a 6 year old. This is only because the parents are rich enough to outrage about it. "
I do hope she meant this in a way, that many children are getting raped liked this but no one comes to know it because they belong to lower strata of society or because their parents are not willing to take it to the police. But I feel even if that was the case , shouldn't a parent behave like this ideally? Wouldn't you want your parents to be in this manner if you were that 6 year old. Aaah... I just can't think of what must be going on in that little one's mind. But this tweet reminded me of an incident that happened in my college.

She was the daughter of a scientist, from a well-to-do and affluent family. One day she arrived in college a little earlier than usual. And since it was term reopening, every one was just getting back from their hometowns. We had all just reached back and were standing at the gate of the college when she came running down the stairs with tears in her eyes. She came and hugged her bf and wouldn't stop crying. We were all a bit worried, since in Kerala, public display of affection is "not accepted". We thought she had missed her bf through the holidays and hence the tears and the hug. But soon we realised that it was not that. She was sobbing uncontrollably. Everyone was asking her what happened. But she dint say a thing. Then when she was a bit calm, she and her bf moved to a quite corner and she told him what had happened. Next we see him , teeming with anger run up the stairs. The boys followed him while the girls tried to console her. She called her dad and they came to pick her up in 10 minutes. All of us were getting really wrecked up thinking what had just happened. I went up to the classroom and spoke to the bf. He had manhandled a peon in the college office. When I asked him if he had lost his mind. He said that the peon had sexually abused her. I was dumb struck. Because the person in question was a 59 year old man, father to 3 daughters. It was unbelievable to say the least but it was true.

Later I got a chance to speak to her bf in detail and he narrated the whole incident. She was sitting in the classroom when the peon came in and started talking to her. Suddenly he started groping her and kissing her by using force. She pushed him with all her might and ran downstairs.

Her father filed a complaint in the college the same day. But the Head was not so keen on punishing the accused. So her father took it directly to the University and the Police simultaneously. These words of the father is something I will never forget, "I know that this will cause a stir and make people look at me and my daughter in a bad way. But I don't care. If I, who is supposed to be a respected person, don't do anything about this then this man will go on to abuse someone else. I will not let that happen.  At least not in these premises, where you send your children to acquire an education". Many people tried to force him to hush the matter saying it is a matter of shame for everyone but he didn't change his stand. He stood his ground till the accused was punished and removed from the college. Later on, many of the girls in the senior batches recounted that they had been abused as well. But out of fear of social stigma, they hadn't uttered a word to another human being. So much is the fear.

So do you think that the father should not have used his power or wealth or whatever resources he had to get the accused the punishment he deserved. Should he have also kept quiet and continued with his life? And then make way for the accused to do more and more things like this. And believe me when small things go unpunished they just give way for bigger and bigger crimes. When people with the means fight the bad don't belittle them by saying things like this. What they are doing will only make our society a little bit more safer. Don't we want that? Don't we want our children and women to be able to walk without fear, no matter who ever takes the action for that?

Vihaan story 1 - Auto and the fox

Vihaan loves to hear stories, I guess all kids in his age group love it. He is 27 months ie like 2 years and 3 months old. So the funny thing is that he decides the characters and I have to make stories out of them. Some times if he doesn't like the flow of the story he introduces new characters and these have to be in sync with each other. So I have become his story teller and have to invent new stories every day and maybe 2-3 stories per day.  Yesterday night I asked him to tell me a story. Usually he tells me stories that I have told him or those he has seen on YouTube.  The likes of the mouse and the lion or the fox and grapes and so on. Yesterday night he made up a story on his own. This is the first time he is doing that.  His auto was with him when he came to sleep so he decided to make it his character.
So here's the story told by a 2 year old as is it. I will fill in or give some explanation in case it doesn't make sense and that would be in brackets. He told me the story in malayalam and english. I have translated it fully to english. So here goes.
Once upon a time there was an Auto. It was running around and playing one day. Suddenly a fox came. It swallowed the Auto. The auto started crying "Laalu,  Peel,  help. Save me" (Laalu and Peelu are characters from his french cartoon "T'choupi et Doudou"). Laalu (and) Peelu come running but can't find Auto. (You know auto is in the stomach of the fox😁). Then again Auto cries,"Save me". That time Laalu (and) Peelu hear him. (They understand that it is from the fox's mouth). They open the mouth of the fox and take Auto out. Like that Laalu (and) Peelu saved Auto. Finish. (Yes, he said that. Wanted amma to know that the story is over😊)
I had a good time listening to it. And I hope to hear more from Vi. Love you darling !!

Just let them be

    The other day, I was having a discussion with a friend who is planning to adopt a baby girl. She has been facing stiff opposition from parents on both sides. Now she and her husband are finally ready to bring the baby home. One of the parents says "We have been dreading the day that you would give us this sad news". It made me really angry at that time to hear this. I mean aren't this couple doing something good? How many people have the courage and open heartedness to accept someone into your family in this way. But this post is not about my frustration or my rant.
    We as parents always have expectations from our children. However hard we may try not to show it or express it. But what about their expectations from us. Wouldn't they want us to be able to understand them?  Let them be a certain way if that's what gives them happiness? So I have thought of all kinds of situations that my son would or could probably come up with that might cause distress in me. And honestly right now all I can say is that unless he hurts another person or thing (like murder, rape or steal) I would stand by him. Just let him be. Let him take his decisions. I know he might not always do things that please me. I would explain the pros and cons to him as I know it (I don't know about everything and my opinion needn't be right either). And then would let him take the decision himself.
    I don't know if it is the right or wrong way of parenting but this is the I am planning to do it. And I do it knowing that it won't be easy.

Don't Angry me !

            I am a hot tempered person. I have been that way from quite some time. But I am not a pessimistic person neither an unhappy one. It's just that some situations just anger me more than it would others. I have been that way since a long time. My poor amma would worry so much thinking how I would fare in my "house after marriage". Hahaha! Poor thing she dint know that any amount of worrying would not cause a change in me.
            She used to advice me on lots of methods which would help to control my anger. One was counting numbers backwards. Another one was to say the name of the good Lord ,and hope that at least He would help me out. Finally when she saw that none of this is working for me, she used to tell me to just walk away from the situation, take time to cool off and then come back after I am in a better position to speak calmly. But sadly none of these worked for me when I was young. When I got angry, I just got angry. But as the years passed, people who have known me for quite some time, tell me that my temper is not as bad as it used to be. I feel good when I hear that. But that's  not enough.  I want to be able to control my temper and no do permanent harm to people whom I love. I am capable of saying some really nasty things when I am angry.
               Now that I have a little one, I have to control my temper more. Sometimes I really don't have it in me to control it. But when I see the fear in my son's eyes when I raise my voice or my hand. I feel so so bad. I feel awful. I feel this is not how my 2 year old should be seeing his mother.
              So finally, I am ready to take the tips that my mother gave me years ago. Sometimes they work. Sometimes they don't. Sometimes I just want to vent out. So I do that. But I tell the person in front of me in advance that this is just me venting out and has got nothing to do with you. I hope some day I will be this peaceful human being who can think rationally and act calmly to all (or at least most) situations. PEACE BE ON ME ! :)

I did it for you!

Why is it that people want to keep doing things and then go on to say that, "I did it for so and so". What does it really mean? Does a person do an action only for the sake of another? It seriously takes away everything from the action, once you utter those words.        The mother who says to the son "I stayed in the marriage with your father for so long, I did it for you". The husband who says to his wife, "I took a job in a foreign place, I did it for you". Try that dialogue when you kill someone and tell the person in front of you that you did it for them. The judge is not going to convict the person whom you did it for, he's surely going to convict you. Hah! I feel people seriously need to take responsibility for their actions. To say that you did something for someone else, is just an easy way out of difficult situations or maybe a good way to emotionally blackmail someone.        I won't and can't do anything for another person. Before you get me wrong let me explain. Situation 1. I bring up my son in a particular way. I do it because I want him to grow up to be a certain kind of human being, the kind one. The little one has no clue about it. He certainly doesn't want it. I am not doing it for him. I am doing it for me, myself. What if , 20 years old down the line, I tell him. I brought you up in a certain way, I did it for you :O. If he has my genes in him, he will say, at least in his mind, "who asked you to??" :) Situation 2. I make food that my husband likes. (not always , nor daily, but the days that I do) I don't do it for him. In the sense that he has not asked me to make it. I do it because I want him to feel happy. That's my requirement. It is not something he has asked for nor that he wanted. So I can't say that I did it for him. I did it for myself. I wanted to feel the happiness that I get when he sees his favorite food on the  table. Hence I did it for myself. I think and truly believe that every action that we human beings take should be our responsibility. Your parents look after you. It may seem like they have no other choice. But if you think about the millions of orphans out there, you will know that your parents did have a choice too. You look after your parents, do you do it for them? You do it for yourself. It is a choice you make. Your parents don't ask it from you.  Be brave enough to take responsibility for your actions whatever they may be. You might have done it for another person but remember you chose to do it for them. It is always your choice. And you have no rights to blame the other person for your choices.

 

Saying YES or NO

            Is it good to give in to all the demands of your children? How can we decide when to say "YES" and when to say "NO" ? Does a 2 year old need to get toys everytime we go into a supermarket? And let me tell you that this supermarket visit is not once in a month or even once in a week. It is once in 2-3 days. Since the supermarket is pretty close by and on the way to and from the bus stop, everytime we come back from somewhere there is a chance to pop in and buy maybe a bottle of milk or a packet of bread. The fresher the better! But is that an excuse to buy a toddler toys? I mean, even if it not too expensive. Should I be saying YES to all his demands even if we may be able to afford it? 
       I guess by the tone I set itself, you understand I totally dont think that I should be giving in all his demands. Some may feel that if its affordable then why not buy it for the little child. Its only because I dont want to cultivate a habit where each and every wish of his is fulfilled. Yes, you ask me to buy you a box of strawberries, I will buy it for you. But only as long as there are no strawberries at home. I feel even a 2 year old needs to know that we will buy things that we mostly need. Its not that I am HITLER  mom or anything. I do buy small toys for my son once in a month. I buy them when he has shown good behaviour and tell him that this a gift for him helping me and for behaving in a calm way in the supermarket. 
       And with this little one, I am lucky that he understands. He completely understands that when he behaves well, he will be rewarded. And when he misbehaves, he will be punished. I feel it is important for children to know that a NO means a NO and to be able to accept it. As a 2 year old, my son cries for maybe 30 seconds. When he is calm, I tell him, that we cannot buy toys everyday. We will buy them but after a few days maybe. When he promptly replies "Yes, amma", my heart fills up with so much love that I want to give him a kiss and tell him that he is really a good boy. 
      Sometimes I also feel guilty when I focus on the "good boy" too much. At times, I try to remove those 2 magic words while asking him to do something. Like if I ask him to help me put the clothes out to dry. I dont say he's a good boy, instead I say "Thank you" and "Love you" and that works fine too.
     Ahhh....he's woken up! Time for me to return to my motherly duties :)

"To Cry" or "To Get Angry"

               From the time I remember, the only two ways of response to a confrontation is to cry or to lose my temper. I had not thought about it up until today . I hadn't really thought why I respond in this way or why I am unable to respond in any other way. It has always been the same, I remember. If my brother broke my doll, it would be CRY first and then if he teases me about the crying, it would be ANGER next. And let me tell you, I am not a nice person to be around when I am angry or when I lose my temper. You can get really hurt in case you are the way of my angry self. 

              I have been thinking why do I react in this way to situations where I feel threatened. I asked around and found out that , no thats not the normal reaction. Yes, they are people who do get angry and who do cry. But not everyone in the world is like that. And also, to make my point more clear, all women are not like that. There a loads of women out there who dont cry or get angry in every situation that they feel confronted or threatened. They instead speak clearly and communicate verbally to the person in front of them and are in some cases able to even dissolve the confrontation or argument. But alas, I am not one of them. 

              For this, after quite some amount of thinking, I have decided that my parents are to blame. Its so much better to put the blame on someone else than to have it on your own head ;)

My amma has always been the "CRYER" in the family. She will cry if she has been confronted by anyone, inside or outside the family. Her world mostly used to revolve inside the family. She will cry when she is happy, she will cry when she is sad. Sometimes she cries and tells us that there is no reason, her eyes are just filling up. But I know for sure that she doesn't cry without a reason. There is something or someone who has triggered those glands to spill out those precious droplets of water. Something that has touched her heart in a good way or bad, but she rather not share it with anyone for fear of being ridiculed for thinking that way. That's my amma. My dear dear Amma!

And my acha (dad), he was surely influenced by Big B in his younger days, I guess. Since he took the "ANGRY" young man image too seriously. He was the same way with anger as my amma was with her crying. You never know when its going to strike you. Sometimes you think you are going to be a prey for his anger, but it doesnt really come out. And you feel like you have been suddenly relieved off the big boulder that had been put on your back. You actually find yourself flexing the muscles of your shoulder and sighing aloud. But beware, if he caught you in any of these actions, you have got a dose of anger down your throat. So my dad's reaction to confrontation from anywhere has always been anger (P.S. Not in his workplace , I hope).

              And me, their offspring had to take on both their traits while dealing with confrontation. To cry and to be angry. And that to in alternating mode or sometimes two in one. The usual prey for this is my husband. I realise that it must be tiring for him to actually have a normal discussion with me without me breaking out into tears or tearing my hair off in anger (okkk..exaggeration there, but still). I hope to do something about it. And hopefully soon. I dont know how or what to do but I am positive since now I have found the problem and the probable cause. I might be able to find the cure too (solution, I mean I am not crazy ok!).

             Also, it is more important now since Vi is 2 years old and he is growing up in this environment, where he learns by observation. I don't want him to have this same kind of reaction to situations that threaten him or make him feel cornered. I want him to be able to think clearly and communicate effective about what he feels and what he wants to be done to improve the situation. And I can only hope that people around him will also have a trained mindset to not just CRY or be ANGRY (like his amma :P).